The patient’s monologue

There are things in life which you never touched or they have never touched you, you know of their existence as you know that your neighbor has a dog, even though you haven’t seen it, the barking lets you aware of its presence.

Hospitals, those places full of people hurt, in pain, living in an altered reality, you imagine. Maybe you have visited someone there but until you’re not in that bed, tied by something which seems out of your reach, you can’t fully comprehend all the experience that lies behind those walls.

That was a very cold day, middle winter, which is harsher than the beginning or the end because it seems endless in that moment, you know it has started for some time but you also know there is a long way until the end and the waiting seems unbearable. You want to stay hidden like a bear, and when you finally come out maybe you will see the sun and you will hear the birds, ah the birds, the sign of spring, of rebirth, we are all born again in the spring.

The mind always looks for an escape from the unbearable moment but you have no choice than to come back and it hits you harder, the reality of you, laying, helpless in a bed, white of course, a white world when you feel it grey, that white annoys you. Everything is out of place even though there is an order: nurses, doctors, management staff, cleaning staff, kitchen staff, patients, visitors, all have their place and their time. For the patient it’s all a chaos in which it’s thrown without its will.

The doctors are gods, their hands, their knowledge and their will is almighty, they are your new god or reaper, they have power over you and you know it, you’re scared. Your family treats them with the highest respect, nurses obey them and they give you a sentence or a resolution. You wonder how they feel because they try not to show their emotions, sometimes you wonder if they have any but then you find out they also have families, wives, kids, parents, they’re human.

Nurses are the ones caring, like a mother with her child, they feed you, they give you the medicines required, they clean after you, take you to the bathroom and you feel so low, degraded from your adult state into that of a parasite. Nurses are divided into two categories: those who still care and those who just function, like a robot, I don’t think they ever cared, they don’t seem to feel, similar to a block of ice and you are dependent.

The funny thing is that even your vocabulary changes, you’re no longer a friend, a daughter, a sister or a woman, you’re the patient and the ones dear to you are visitors. You learn about visiting hours, solitude hours, painkillers hours and slowly your world is not the same anymore, it’s their world, of the people dressed in white.

In the white world people connect because there is a space, there is time and there is solitude. Talking seems like an escape and it creates different worlds, magical worlds where you’re full of life, you take action, you’re in charge. Patients talk, nurses chatter, about everything that happens around and outside, you realize the outside still exists, despite you, goes on and you wait  for your come back, you wait to feel human again.

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